Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize