break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I wish I could teleport
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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