life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Randomize
