Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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