His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
