I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
