she woke up with a sticky ear
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize