No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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