I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
