hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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