she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
