so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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