I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
