im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
