Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
