I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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