dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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