Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
