So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Randomize
