I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
