I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
