I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
