there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Holy shit dude........stairs
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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