Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
