I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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