I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
