Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
