Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
We need to rekindle our bromance
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
