I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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