I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
