why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
