I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
