go do what you do best...puke behind churches
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
well you can't waste a boner
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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