WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
