i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
