I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
zippers are such a cool invention
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
