im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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