I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
