Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
