My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
