there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
