He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
