i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Randomize
