I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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