I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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