My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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