if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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