Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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