We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
