My girlfriend figured out who you are.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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