Heybabeimwearingurpanties
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
