Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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