now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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