I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
