Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize