I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I love having hate sex.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
