Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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