Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Randomize
