wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You made out with two different species that night
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
