He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
