just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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