You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
