Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
