I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
