everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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