I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
