I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
